Coping with imperfections...

[MJNewton]

Never mind self-build; it's self-help I think I need!

 

This is a topic that's probably better suited to lighthearted discussion in a pub, but actually I think this forum might well house kindred spirits that may well understand where I'm coming from, and perhaps offer some insight as to dealing with it.

 

The goal of perfection. For some reason I'm always aiming for it, or rather I'm really dissatisfied with imperfection. I mean *really* dissatisfied - disappointed, anxious, sleep disrupting etc. For example, this evening there are a couple of additions to my mental 'unhappy with' list - some roller marks where I've painted the new large open plan room and a couple of plasterboard join lines where the skimming hasn't been perfect and is just about visible in certain unforgiving lighting conditions etc. The rest of the house has had these sorts of things for years and they've never bothered me but this new room should be perfect right, because it's new! Not only have such blemishes in the existing house not bothered me previously, I haven't even spotted the vast majority despite living here for 10 years - it's only now I'm walking around looking for them to compare against my own handy work that they are making themselves known. Perhaps that's the secret to the way out of having such an easily-discomforted mind - these things probably won't matter in time. I hope they don't anyway. Something that is possibly also very telling is that these imperfections are often bigger in my mind than reality - next time I seem them they're not quite as bad as I remembered. Bad enough though.

 

The way I feel is the main reason I don't like employing tradesmen as invariably I feel disappointed with some aspect of their work. I don't mention it (unless it's really bad such that even a 'normal' person would say it needs fixing) but I am often left with a feeling of some regret that either I picked the wrong guy or should've done it myself. 

 

Does this sound familiar to anyone? If so, how do you deal with it? I keep reminding myself that these are 1st world problems, and that actually if the things I'm worried most about invariably fall into the category of 'aesthetics' rather than, say, 'health' or 'finances' then really I'm probably luckier than 99.9% of the rest of the population and should be grateful for it. Such positivity only lasts so long through; I'll be staring on my DIY blemishes again in the morning when having my cereals with the same sick feeling brewing in my stomach.

 

Tell me I'm not alone...?! ?

Edited September 29, 2020 by MJNewton

[Jenni]

Definitely not alone.

Often the fear of making the wrong decision, or choosing the wrong tradesmen, or not being good enough at it yourself, is paralysing in itself. 

 

Not sure it's a solution, but I do find that getting a quote, but then doing it myself is good, as I know however bad I've done it, it's saved a load of £££. Plus, I visit building sites regularly (for my job) and see what kind of horrors go on there.

So I console my mistakes with, cheaper, and better too. 

[Mr Punter]

You are certainly a perfectionist and you are at least aware enough to see that it is not reasonable or great for your mental health to be so particular.

 

Most people - especially men - obsess about things in a slightly irrational way.  Lots of things that happen on site are far from perfect and you are certainly not on your own when it gets to you.

 

Maybe drink more so the shoddy work looks more bleary?  Works for many on here.

 

 

 

[ToughButterCup]

9 hours ago, MJNewton said:

Never mind self-build; it's self-help I think I need!

...

Does this sound familiar to anyone? If so, how do you deal with it?

...

Self building reaches a cold , hard hand down into your stomach and wrenches it with sickening power. At the same time it empties your bank account as fast as a trip to  Las Vegas.  It wakes you up at all hours and keeps you awake as well as any baby.

Charlatans hiding in plain sight add spice to the mix: nowt like people not doing what they say they'll do while keeping your money in their account. Keeps the blood pressure up quite well that.

@MJNewton, thats what makes this board so successful. We all suffer the same gut wrenching horror. 

 

Self building hardens you. It has shown me  that moving on is the only way to deal with imperfections. Unless there's a clear cut case of malpractice and unprofessional behaviour,  then Head Down Arse Up Go turns the stress you feel into something worthwhile.  

 

I've been cutting holes for downlights this week.  A few of the holes are a few mm out. One visitor pointed the error out. The remark said more about the person making it than anything else.  The errors will be there for all to see as long as I am alive. 

Let's see who points it out.  A useful filter that.

 

Make the error,  move on. Turn the stress into useful behaviour. 

 

 

[jack]

I know exactly how you feel. Five years after moving in, there are still things I look at every day - several times a day, most days - that annoy me due to how poorly they've been done. My wife doesn't see them, and to be honest I'd much rather be like her.

 

I think that if I were doing this again, I'd short-circuit this issue by choosing more rustic finishes as far as possible. For example, rather than a smooth skim finish, I'd probably go for a rougher bagged finish. Instead of a sharp modern kitchen, I'd probably go for something quirky and recycled (eg, old teak lab bench instead of Corian), so that it's imperfect from the start.  

[joe90]

I think it depends if the “fault “ is fixable or not, paint runs, bumps on plaster etc can be sanded and re done after the house has settled in the first year when initial cracks etc tend appear (well that’s what I have been telling myself). I worry more about tiles not being right/level,  skirting not straight, the kind of stuff that requires more major upheavals to get them right but I have told myself if it still bothers me after a year I will fix it, if I forget all’s good.

[MJNewton]

I want to pick out some of the specifics when I've got more time later but in the meantime thanks for all the input - it has been very useful and reassuring. And not just reassuring in terms of showing that it's not just me that has these thoughts but also that evidently other people's houses aren't necessarily 'perfect' either... and yet to an outsider I bet they look pretty much so!

Edited September 30, 2020 by MJNewton

[MikeGrahamT21]

Yeah this is definitely normal, i get it every time i do something! Perhaps i'm just a disappointment lol! It wears off after a few weeks, hang on in there.

 

I always say DIY isn't how good you can do something, but how good you can cover your mistakes up so it appears to look good to the untrained eye...now your all going to think my house is falling apart lol!

Edited September 30, 2020 by MikeGrahamT21

[Carrerahill]

12 hours ago, MJNewton said:

Never mind self-build; it's self-help I think I need!

 

This is a topic that's probably better suited to lighthearted discussion in a pub, but actually I think this forum might well house kindred spirits that may well understand where I'm coming from, and perhaps offer some insight as to dealing with it.

 

The goal of perfection. For some reason I'm always aiming for it, or rather I'm really dissatisfied with imperfection. I mean *really* dissatisfied - disappointed, anxious, sleep disrupting etc. For example, this evening there are a couple of additions to my mental 'unhappy with' list - some roller marks where I've painted the new large open plan room and a couple of plasterboard join lines where the skimming hasn't been perfect and is just about visible in certain unforgiving lighting conditions etc. The rest of the house has had these sorts of things for years and they've never bothered me but this new room should be perfect right, because it's new! Not only have such blemishes in the existing house not bothered me previously, I haven't even spotted the vast majority despite living here for 10 years - it's only now I'm walking around looking for them to compare against my own handy work that they are making themselves known. Perhaps that's the secret to the way out of having such an easily-discomforted mind - these things probably won't matter in time. I hope they don't anyway. Something that is possibly also very telling is that these imperfections are often bigger in my mind than reality - next time I seem them they're not quite as bad as I remembered. Bad enough though.

 

The way I feel is the main reason I don't like employing tradesmen as invariably I feel disappointed with some aspect of their work. I don't mention it (unless it's really bad such that even a 'normal' person would say it needs fixing) but I am often left with a feeling of some regret that either I picked the wrong guy or should've done it myself. 

 

Does this sound familiar to anyone? If so, how do you deal with it? I keep reminding myself that these are 1st world problems, and that actually if the things I'm worried most about invariably fall into the category of 'aesthetics' rather than, say, 'health' or 'finances' then really I'm probably luckier than 99.9% of the rest of the population and should be grateful for it. Such positivity only lasts so long through; I'll be staring on my DIY blemishes again in the morning when having my cereals with the same sick feeling brewing in my stomach.

 

Tell me I'm not alone...?! ?

You are not alone, that could be me writing above.

 

I have spent my entire working life, more or less, designing aspects of buildings, sitting in meetings with all disciplines discussing integration and compatibility of design elements and even with a team of 100's working on a new building things still end up just not quite right on site, certainly mistakes or oversights are made but also because generally contractors don't actually care and will drill holes and mount things where suits them, often to the detriment of the user, design, aesthetics or function. However, the fact is then that buildings are not perfect, I think what we see if meant to be pretty good on the whole, but even in new builds you go into cupboards and plant rooms and risers or basements only to find rubbish, paint runs down walls, concrete splashes on equipment, ducting joints that are rough as get out. This is partly why I, like you don't trust many tradesmen, I feel that they don't care.

 

I have used very few trades on my build, I got a brickie in, I was happy with his work and cleanliness, the dry-dasher/builder was good but he got some of the soffit and fascia a bit squint which annoys me but a year after being done I have sort of forgotten about it, but I do sometimes look up at it and it irritates me, for the sake of shaving a rafter tail and packing out another tail it would have been perfect and I would have done that, it would have annoyed my having to go and mess with bits of wood and cutting bits and maybe delaying it by another weekend but I would have done it that way, 

 

I built my garage in 2018, on the first side of the roof I was still learning about the details of roof tiling, getting the first tile lifted up enough to allow for the fact it is not sitting on a tile, I got it close but there was always a bigger gap on the bottom row, however I finally fixed that at the weekend as it annoyed me and I am now happy as Larry, because every time I saw it it did annoy me and it did cause me to lie in bed wondering what I should do, how to fix it without a bodge etc. I also now know how to do it and have done it another two times since the first one and my roofing is as far as I am concerned perfect. 

 

I think this is part and parcel of this sort of work. If you ask me I would tell you my builds are full of mistakes, but I think really only very few would spot them and at that they are only mistakes because I know they are mistakes. I think builders and joiners and plumbers, all the trades really make them all the time, they shove bits in and glue bits on and stuff things into holes and just don't care. 

 

In an ideal world everything would be perfectly square, cut accurately, every finish would be textbook, joinery work would be flawless, but it isn't and in 1-2 years when this is all over and done you will forget about it, you will put a plant next to that bad bit of skirting, or you will hang a picture on the lump on the wall. 

 

I do sometimes get fedup with things too always striving for perfection and not getting it, so I get annoyed so I decide that I will risk getting someone in, doesn't happen often but sometimes if I just say I want X, Y and Z done and I come to look at it a week later and it is done, I do feel pleased it has moved on, even if there are a few little issues, but then, maybe I would have had my own issues that might have looked worse.

 

[Carrerahill]

3 hours ago, ToughButterCup said:

I've been cutting holes for downlights this week.  A few of the holes are a few mm out. One visitor pointed the error out. The remark said more about the person making it than anything else.  The errors will be there for all to see as long as I am alive. 

Let's see who points it out.  A useful filter that.

I ask those visitors never to return!

[Tom]

I'm beginning to get annoyed by imperfections, and we haven't even started our build yet!

 

Could we have unrealistic expectations? You see all of these amazing looking places in magazines - all clean lines and perfect junctions, but is that achievable in the real world? We see selected images of these places, sometimes perhaps photoshopped, and certainly never see the bits that aren't quite so perfect.

 

Not saying we should put up with substandard work, but if our goals are unachievable can we ever win?

 

[Tom]

...and similar to the campaign to stop photoshopping in adverts/social media and the effect this has on adolescent mental health and the pressure to achieve the unachievable, perhaps there needs to be a similar ban on building mags/Grand designs for the sake of the mental health of middle aged men!

[ToughButterCup]

For me stress has become normal; the trick is to turn it into something positive. And I dont always manage it. Yet.

Edited September 30, 2020 by ToughButterCup

[Gone West]

4 hours ago, Tom said:

I'm beginning to get annoyed by imperfections, and we haven't even started our build yet!

 

Could we have unrealistic expectations?

Yes is the short answer. Nothing is perfect, people, buildings, whatever you can think of.

[dnb]

I have come to the conclusion that all houses look better in photos than in real life. So I now try not to worry about the small imperfections unless it is something I will look at on a daily basis or it is a functional defect.

 

The 1mm error on the nailing of the front gable apex trim does still annoy me of course. Nobody else can see it from ground level of course.

[Carrerahill]

4 hours ago, Tom said:

You see all of these amazing looking places in magazines - all clean lines and perfect junctions, but is that achievable in the real world?

I guarantee that if you were to go and visit most of these places they wouldn't look perfect up close.

 

Even when you see your own town or city in a film or something it all looks nice and clean and perfect, walk down the street in real life and you soon see it for what it really is.

 

I've seen so many images of "perfect" buildings or car restorations etc. I then try and copy it and wonder why I can't get my stuff to look as good, when I stand back and look at things and go, wait a minute, my work looks just as good a few steps back and without the overly critical eye!

 

Bet I could go and take photos of my garage and extension and all the renovated rooms and kitchen and you would probably go, oh wow, look at that, that's so nice (well, I hope some of you might!). Well I live here and yes, what we have we like, but it is not perfect. Really start looking at you will spot the run off on the garage roof (off by about 25mm from side to side) - the only way to see this imperfection is to pay attention to the dry verge units, on the bottom left you can see more of the tile than you can at the top left, reverse for the RHS - does it make a difference to the function and longevity of the roof? Not a jot. Does it annoy me? If I actually stand and look at it, yes lots! The main house roof soffit runs up for the last 3 rafters, never measured it by I reckon by about 25mm, you can see it take the slope up, it's hidden partly by the downpipe swan-neck, I reckon most people will never spot it, I stood every weekend of the summer pushing my son in his swing looking up at it and getting annoyed. 

 

I think internally I am very happy with the work, my timber frames were near enough perfectly square and true, result is the plasterboard is too and everything else that goes into the room from kitchen worktops to skirtings and architrave in the dining room. Joiner chipped the worktops when he cut them, only paid a joiner to do the masons mitres as it was cheaper to pay him than to buy a good worktop jig and a bigger router - that annoyed me - luckily the splashback tiles will cover the damage which he made at the back of EVERY cut. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ToughButterCup]

43 minutes ago, PeterStarck said:

... Nothing is perfect, people, buildings, whatever you can think of.

 

Not even Shhhhh.... You-Know-Who? 

[ProDave]

Re "imperfections"

 

I tiled the main bathroom floor.  I was told it was "imperfect" and to get a proper tiler for the en-suite.

 

So I did.

 

The En-suite is "imperfect" and now I am told I could have done it better.

 

No point arguing with facts like that.

[Oz07]

Its why there's tolerances in the trade. Put a lining in a stud partition this week, it was flush with plaster at top about 10mm proud at bottom the partition is so far out of plumb. I ask bloke who's running the job what he wants me to do with it he asks me if I can fire some pins in the outer edge of the arc to bend it back to within a caulk gap off the plaster. Ruff Ruff eh - I didn't do the first fix btw!

[Oz07]

I marked 2 lines on an offcut of fascia and used that when nailing so my 2 rows of nails are at exactly the same height on the fascia all around the house. On the front elevation I must've done something wrong because 1 nail on bottom row is about half inch lower. It annoys me but I'm not going to change that length because of it. Typical thing you will notice but a punter never would...

[Big Jimbo]

30 minutes ago, Oz07 said:

I marked 2 lines on an offcut of fascia and used that when nailing so my 2 rows of nails are at exactly the same height on the fascia all around the house. On the front elevation I must've done something wrong because 1 nail on bottom row is about half inch lower. It annoys me but I'm not going to change that length because of it. Typical thing you will notice but a punter never would...

If i ever drive passed, i'm going to stop. Drop a note in saying," Great house, shame about that facia nail being out of line with the others" ???

[MJNewton]

9 hours ago, Tom said:

 

You see all of these amazing looking places in magazines - all clean lines and perfect junctions, but is that achievable in the real world? We see selected images of these places, sometimes perhaps photoshopped, and certainly never see the bits that aren't quite so perfect.

 

They say the camera never lies, but that's not to say it necessarily tells the whole truth either. I always look to my Dad for help when I'm bothered by something with the house (I take after him in many ways so he gets it) but as he doesn't live nearby I often have to send him photos... I invariably can't capture the imperfections I'm trying to highlight though and he always reminds me that if that's the case then perhaps they're not quite as big as they are in my mind. It is also reminds me that other people's photos probably aren't showing their defects either.

 

Thanks again for all the input. It really has made me feel a lot better and I can see myself re-reading this thread next time I've discovered something else to fret about. (Probably at the weekend if I don't spot something sooner... ;-))

[Onoff]

7 hours ago, PeterStarck said:

Yes is the short answer. Nothing is perfect, people, buildings, whatever you can think of.

 

Though some people's houses look like the CAD renderings from before they were built! ?

 

Hell, @LA3222's slab look superimposed!

 

 

I rest my case with @Tennentslager's effort: