Retired Feminist Roofer: too delicious

[ToughButterCup]

Waiting in line at the local BM. An organisation that hasn't changed from the 1990s when  I first set foot in Lancashire. But  I suspect it probably hasn't changed much since time began.

 

A powerfully built but small white haired man get to the head of the queue. No neck, just muscle, shoulders the size of an  American oarsman's coach. His  frame must have been put together before steroids were invented. 

 

Several staff are chatting behind the counter - there's a queue, no, audience of at least 10. All builders (except me)

 

Roofer: Riaaat mate ah want sum roofing felt: cuppla roles laaak

 

BM  You mean Vapour Control felt: how many rolls d'ya wunt?

 

Noooo mert, ah want sum roofin felt, just'a culpa rolls laaak.

 

The BM  shop assistant, spotty, super-clean hair do, biro tattoos : 'Mum' and 'Hat', one on each forearm looks flummoxed. 

 

Well we've got [................... A series of trade names.............]

 

Silence.  Complete silence. 10 builders (and me) , Hearts almost stopped.

 

The roofer eyes the sprog behind the counter, and cold as ice and says

 

Maaate if yer wanna know why wimmin dunt ever cum in 'ere, it cos o' twats laaak thee mekkin me feel laak a reet prat. Ah been cummin' in ere since long afore yer dad wuz born orderin' fookin roofing felt. '..... Kin rooofin felt 'assss all.  An if  yer can mek me feel laak a reet prat, yer can do 't same fer wimmin. Nay wonder ya never see a wun in ere.

 

The shop door opens, all eyes swivel (just like a pub entrance door) and in walks a large female, in  dirty dungarees, severe hair cut with purple and red highlights, forearms the size of  my thighs ,  most things pierced - the list would be too long - sporting a chunky paint-spattered watch. And clogs - proper Lancashire clogs.

 

Two days later my tongue is still sore where I bit it .

 

 

 

[Nickfromwales]

That should have got a round of applause. ?

[Ferdinand]

(Keeps quiet about the subtle double-entendre).

[Redoctober]

Classic - deserves more than just an emoji. Made me laugh out loud - thanks. PW. 

[Onoff]

4 hours ago, recoveringacademic said:

Two days later my tongue is still sore.

 

You didn't mention you went home with her! Sounds more a case of couldn't say no!

[daiking]

Did he get his felt?

[Tennentslager]

10 minutes ago, daiking said:

Did he get his felt?

What felt?

[dpmiller]

under.

[ToughButterCup]

54 minutes ago, daiking said:

Did he get his felt?

 

Who knows, we were all working really hard at not looking at the dungarees. 

For a moment I considered asking her where she bought the clogs. But uncharacteristically, I restrained myself. Shame  really.