ToughButterCup Posted December 3, 2017 Share Posted December 3, 2017 Waiting in line at the local BM. An organisation that hasn't changed from the 1990s when I first set foot in Lancashire. But I suspect it probably hasn't changed much since time began. A powerfully built but small white haired man get to the head of the queue. No neck, just muscle, shoulders the size of an American oarsman's coach. His frame must have been put together before steroids were invented. Several staff are chatting behind the counter - there's a queue, no, audience of at least 10. All builders (except me) Roofer: Riaaat mate ah want sum roofing felt: cuppla roles laaak BM You mean Vapour Control felt: how many rolls d'ya wunt? Noooo mert, ah want sum roofin felt, just'a culpa rolls laaak. The BM shop assistant, spotty, super-clean hair do, biro tattoos : 'Mum' and 'Hat', one on each forearm looks flummoxed. Well we've got [................... A series of trade names.............] Silence. Complete silence. 10 builders (and me) , Hearts almost stopped. The roofer eyes the sprog behind the counter, and cold as ice and says Maaate if yer wanna know why wimmin dunt ever cum in 'ere, it cos o' twats laaak thee mekkin me feel laak a reet prat. Ah been cummin' in ere since long afore yer dad wuz born orderin' fookin roofing felt. '..... Kin rooofin felt 'assss all. An if yer can mek me feel laak a reet prat, yer can do 't same fer wimmin. Nay wonder ya never see a wun in ere. The shop door opens, all eyes swivel (just like a pub entrance door) and in walks a large female, in dirty dungarees, severe hair cut with purple and red highlights, forearms the size of my thighs , most things pierced - the list would be too long - sporting a chunky paint-spattered watch. And clogs - proper Lancashire clogs. Two days later my tongue is still sore where I bit it . 2 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nickfromwales Posted December 3, 2017 Share Posted December 3, 2017 That should have got a round of applause. ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferdinand Posted December 3, 2017 Share Posted December 3, 2017 (Keeps quiet about the subtle double-entendre). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redoctober Posted December 3, 2017 Share Posted December 3, 2017 Classic - deserves more than just an emoji. Made me laugh out loud - thanks. PW. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Onoff Posted December 3, 2017 Share Posted December 3, 2017 4 hours ago, recoveringacademic said: Two days later my tongue is still sore. You didn't mention you went home with her! Sounds more a case of couldn't say no! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daiking Posted December 4, 2017 Share Posted December 4, 2017 Did he get his felt? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tennentslager Posted December 4, 2017 Share Posted December 4, 2017 10 minutes ago, daiking said: Did he get his felt? What felt? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpmiller Posted December 4, 2017 Share Posted December 4, 2017 under. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToughButterCup Posted December 4, 2017 Author Share Posted December 4, 2017 54 minutes ago, daiking said: Did he get his felt? Who knows, we were all working really hard at not looking at the dungarees. For a moment I considered asking her where she bought the clogs. But uncharacteristically, I restrained myself. Shame really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now